But no word, no shape, no photograph could ever twist so far that it could begin to explain even a little bit of how I feel.


The lies.

Loads of times this year, I've lied.
I'm sure I must have lied at least a 100 times by now.
One lie per person. Different people, maybe more.

'Where are you now?' 'Oh, i'm... with my GIRL friend.'
'I'm just going to do it even though I know I shouldn't. No one will ever know. I will make sure of that. I'm a good liar.'
'Oh, my hair was always like that. I never did anything to it!'
'I'm just going to take some money. She has so much money anyway, its not like she can tell.'
'I'm going to sneak out and go to the arcade and claim i was just studying with my friends.'

And time and time again, the lies will catch up with us.
'Omg you were at another guys house?! Why did you even go there?! Why did you lie about it?!'
'Wtf I can't believe you did that, I hate you.'
'You lied about your hair colour! I'm going to keep a close eye on you now!'
'You took my money again! I'm never going to leave my money alone!'
'You went to the arcade again! I'm going to confiscate your wallet.'

So I can safely conclude, one of the most important lessons I've learnt this year is to be honest, and not to do morally wrong things at all. If I'm going to do something that I know is wrong, I must just take a moment to think, breathe in deep, and not assume that I can get away with it and pretended I never did anything. Because someone will find out one day. Karma will catch up with me and bite me hard.

I'll change, I'll change. If i'm ever going to go out w guy friends, I must tell the bf before hand. I must not do anything flirtatious. Even after careful thought, I must think about what happens if i actually do get caught. I must think of consequences and how serious they are. I should just be honest and once I get busted, I should not think up of excuses or continue lying about it. I should not go to places I shouldn't go to and KNOW its wrong but I still go anyway.

And this makes me think about going clubbing. Its like I shouldn't do it right? I don't know why i have this feeling that im betraying someone here, but technically im not betraying anyone, just have the feeling. Idk, aft the next event i'm going to think long and hard about it. I'm alr confirmed going, can't back out now right? I must not go flirt around or whatever! Its like i alr told myself I'm going to earn back the trust and whatever, I cannot just give up to my temptation now. Its going to be hard but one day i can do it! Uhhh uhhh false optimism much? But im just going to abstain from all bad things from now. Abstain abstain then nothing will go wrong. I must be patient even though its so hard for someone like me...

Today I did the right thing. I got busted for one of my many lies I have built up over the year. I just calmly said yes, I was wrong, and I will rectify it. I didn't say much. The person had misconceptions, but I just let the person go on about it anyway, okay maybe this was wrong, but I thought that saying more things will only worsen the situation.

The best thing is not to even have a rug to sweep anything under it in the first place.
Must not give in to temptations :\ But its so hard. Sigh!


Day 2; Where you'd be in 10 years:
Rich, famous and happy!

And she judged me right after I told her, I shouldn't have said it even though she pushed me to. :\ Sigh,